Alrighty!!! I'm on record as saying that I hate the word "meme." Imagine my shock and horror when I was TAGGED! FOR A MEME. About music, no less. Everyone knows I have the worst taste in music ever. I was so upset about being tagged, I felt like I was being driven to convert to Scientology. Because as you all know, Scientology helps you cope with hardship and enables you to find your personal power. I need all the personal power I can get.

Yesterday I walked down to my nearest Scientology Center (thank L. Ron Hubbard there is one in my neighborhood) (OK. Not really. I live in Souther Baptist Cental) to begin my conversion process. The freaks (to be referred to from here on out as "Scientologists") hooked me up to an E-meter and started asking me all these questions.

Through all of my distress and agony I did manage to scribble down a few questions they asked me. And now I present you with:

THE LITTLE CAULRDRON'S SCIENTOLOGY MEME (These are real questions taken from the Church of Scientology's "SEC WHOLE TRACK" questionnaire. Seriously. <<http://www.ami.com.au/~bradw/cos/Wakefield/us-11.html>>)

1. Have you driven anyone insane?
Hahaha! No. Um, I mean, yes.

2. Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Define "the wrong person." I mean, define "kill." I mean, okay, yes - "once." I didn't know you could kill someone simply by driving them insane.

3. Is anybody looking for you?
Yes. And a few people have found me, which is quite an unhappy surprise.Damn Google.

4. Have you ever set a poor example?
Only every day! Have you read anything I've written at all!!!?

5. Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Not originally. I became interested in Earth around 2379 B.C. I was hanging around Venus and I was freaking bored. You have no idea how boring Venus can be, what with the all the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and those damn sulfuric acid clouds. It's not for nothing that they call Venus one of the least hospitable places for life in the solar system.

One sulfuric-ly cloudy morning, I looked out the window of my flying saucermobile (that's Venutian for "car") and I saw Earth, and it looked bangin'. So I decided to come to Earth, you know, to bang. Not bang EVILLY, of course, but to bang in the most upstanding way possible. Unfortunately, I accidentally drove someone insane and uh, killed them, and they turned out to be "the wrong person" and...you know how the old story goes. You kill the wrong person and next thing you know, you're up to purposes which are less than honorable. One might call such purposes "evil," but I dislike that word as it's so polarizing. I prefer to think of myself as having purposes "of vague morals."

6. Are you in hiding?
Well, let's just say I can never go to Peru again. Or Venus.

7. Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Not systematcially, no. I've set up quite a few mysteries in a chaotic, disorderly fashion, but I've never managed to set up a mystery systematically. It's not as easy as it looks, you know. I totally botched up the O.J. Simpson job, but I learned a lot of lessons in the process. Never use Mark Fuhrman again, for one thing.

8. Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Only every day! Have you read anything I've written at all?

9. Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Only one time, and that was at band camp. You have no idea how much philosophizing goes on at band camp. Almost as much philosophizin' as flute sex. I understand now that I should have acted instead of extemporizing about Socrates' last words, "Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?" and wondering whether Socrates meant a "cock" or a COCK. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz, blah blah blah. I'll be quicker to act next time.

(Dang! I'm horrible. hahahaha)

10. Have you ever gone crazy?
What? Who wants to know? I'm only paranoid because they want me dead! The Vietnam War was fought over a bet that Howard Hughes lost to Aristotle Onassis. A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line.

11. Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Not as much as I've sought to persuade someone of my sanity. No one seems to need much persuasion to believe I'm insane. Or sober.

12. Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
In my past life I had a falling out with Napoleon Bonaparte. That short idiot learned not to mess with the best though, didn't he? Yes he did.

13. Have you ever smothered a baby?
Umm... no. And frankly, WHAT THE HELL kind of question is this?

14. Do you deserve to have any friends?
Deserve's got nothin' to do with it.

15. Have you ever castrated anyone?
Err... yes. How do you think I had a falling out with Napoleon? Eh? He deserved it.

16. Do you deserve to be enslaved?
I don't deserve it as much as I just like it. A little slavery livens things up on a Sunday afternoon.

17. Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Only #'s 2, 5, 6, and 13.

18. Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
Only on Tuesdays. It's very taxing.

19. Have you ever zapped anyone?
No. Tom hasn't taught me how to do that yet. I can't wait to learn how to zap people. And when I do...look out Jimmy Smits! What are you laughing at, Jonathan Antin? You're next.

20. Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Eww. No. My bodies have always practiced safe sex.

Hmm.... I should really tag one of you... hahahaha