I've never taken an illegal drug (heck! I hardly take anything for a headache) but I'm not going to lie to you - I regret it sometimes. Sometimes I dream of overdosing on handfuls -big, overflowing handfuls- of those pristine white caplets o' love and passing outty-ness, copious handfuls swirled headily with a good strong liquor thrown in for good measure. (My stomach wouldn’t last throughout the year. But who cares? Not us. But you should. Why? Because HUGS. Not drugs.)

All the drugs I've ever taken have been legally prescribed by my doctor. And even then I’m a bit lax in taking them. But really. It's been a hard year. There have been skin cancer removal surgeries and dieing thyroids and sprained feet from slipping on dumb banana peels (oooh!!! I need to tell that story.) It's hard being this accident-prone and this utterly ridiculous. I think I've earned the right to pass out in a drowsy haze of opiates.

I've never consumed illegal drugs. Sometimes I wonder if my brain cells really are that precious. Did I do myself a favor by preserving them? I think I would be a lot happier if I were stupid. I sure wouldn't get as mad at the stupidity of others, for one thing, iffen I was dumb. I would be one of those blissful stupid people just stupin' it up all around town, running stop signs and watching Trading Spouses (in a serious manner) and calling those 1-800 party lines in the middle of the night to "chat and meet singles in my area" because those hot girls on the commercials want to party with me. With me!

I'm not sure why I'm talking about drugs today except for the fact that I woke up early this morning feeling like three bags of ass because I'm OLD now and I simply can't stay up late and eat vegetarian Vietnamese pho like I used to when I was 16. I was really wishing for some drugs at 5 am today. I needed something to pep me up and make me feel like that one time I snorted that powdery Kool-Aid sugary fruit crystal candy stuff (you know, the stuff with the candy sticks that you dip in the powder) (what was that stuff called? Boy did that shit ever sting the nostrils!!!!