"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."

That's my favorite Mark Twain quote of all time. I love Mark Twain. I probably would have dated him, if I had been alive back in his day, and if he promised to shave that giant mustache. Mustaches gross me out.

I love how that quote illustrates how quickly lies spread, and how quickly we jump to believe them - we love the easy answers that are often proved wrong in the long run, because the truth is much more complicated, much less titillating, and "still putting on its shoes" while the wildfire of lies spreads.

If you think I'm going somewhere with all of this, I'm not, so much. Haha, fooled you. I just like the quote and I think people should keep it in mind when they hear stories.

Speaking of stories my friends and I have been discussing kissing stories.

I've done some kissing in my day, and I could write about my first kiss, or my best, or my worst kiss, or my funniest, or the saddest kiss I ever had. OR I could ask my buddies about their first kisses. That would be easier. Or so I thought.

Frankie's first kiss: Location - primary school, in the coat closet, Sydney, Australia. The kissee? Alice.

Me: "What was going through your mind while you were kissing her?"
Frankie: "She smelled like a meat."
Me: "That's not really the most romantic story I've ever heard."
Frankie: "Don't underestimate the power of BBQ ribs."
Me: "She smelled like BBQ ribs!!? Gross."
Frankie: (staring off into the distance, dreamily) "Mmmmm."

Tiehya's:

Location - A basement in Madison, Indiana.

The kissee? Jimmy Joe Demaree. (HAHAHAHAHAH) (I was SO disappointed her first wasn't a little Amish boy named Micah, with a broad brimmed straw hat and pale, freaky Children of the Corn eyes, in the back of a buggy. I can't even tell you how disappointed I was.)

Me: "I'm surprised a boy actually let you kiss him. Did he turn to stone afterwards? Or did he turn into a pillar of salt? Did he drive his BMX bike off Dead Man's Bluff when he realized he had just kissed Satan's Mistress and the price for that kiss would be his very soul?"

Tiehya: "King David didn't turn into a pillar of salt from kissing anyone."

Me: (greatly confused) "Er, no... he didn't."

Tiehya: "Ha ha! You made a mistake! Eddie, your little brainiac made a mistake! Josh, are you listening?"

Josh: (from behind a newspaper) "That's nice, dear."

Tyla: "King David never turned into a pillar of salt."

[Me and Sister Tyla exchange glances - it's about to go down. ]

Tiehya: "Not from kissing anyone, he didn't."

Tyla: "Not from doing anything."

Tiehya: (lip quivering out into her patented perfect pout) "Yes he did. When they cut his hair, he lost his strength and turned to salt. It's in the Bible."

Katie: (looking up from Maxim magazine) "You're a goddamn idiot, that's what."

Tiehya: "Wait, I mean King David turned people into pillars of salt, in the temple. Josh! Tell them."

Josh: "Pillars. Yes. Mumble."

[Tiehya stomps away, to bang pots around the kitchen, the bangs becoming progressively louder and louder as everyone, including her boyfriend, ignores her. ]

I'll just call that a little payback from like... 10 years of hell!!

My first kiss was with Ben Coomer. It took place on the back steps at the little church down the road from where I live during Bible school. It wasn't just ANY church, a Baptist church. Just as we were really getting into it, his grandpa, the preacher, walked out the door and caught us. Yes, I sinned on holy ground. How dare me.

My worst kiss was with Josh R. - He ripped up my lips with his braces and smooshed my face so hard I thought he was actually going to push his braceface right through the back of my head. Kisses shouldn't cut a person. I'm just saying. I mean, I like a little pain with my pleasure but I don't need you to draw blood. I'm not Angelina Jolie.

My funniest/weirdest/most disturbing kiss came from David C. - It was our very first (and last) kiss and it took place outside my friend's house, on the hood of her car (classy). David came at me with his eyes half-closed and his lips cartoonishly puckered and when he got to my mouth - HE BLEW INTO IT. Hard. Why? Oh, that's a lovely question, to which I have no answer at all. He gave me a raspberry - inside my mouth. It was one of the more unpleasant experiences I've encountered so far in my life. The funny thing was, he apologized profusely afterwards and claimed he didn't know what possessed him to do it. ONLY WOULD HAPPEN TO ME.

My saddest kiss was last month- kisses on each of my cheeks from my Grandpa, to say goodbye to his Manny Bet )as he calls me. He was going into surgury and the doctor's didn't think he would survive it.

My best kiss is the one I haven't had yet, but am waiting for...