blog Kevein Federline put Doritos in his rider. (http://thesuperficial.com/2006/11/kevin_federline_has_demands.html) The Smoking Gun has a list of other celebrity riders, (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstagetour/index.html) one of my favourites being Kenny G.'s request for "nice fresh flower arrangement with Japanese flair" and "fresh squeezed orange juice NOT FROM CONCENTRATE" (the capitals are Kenny's, because he knows concentrate = the juice of the great Satan). Kathie Lee Gifford's rider is five pages long. Gnarls Barkley need magnum condoms, Swisher Sweets blunts, and a pack of white athletic socks, which incidentally is my recipe for some effin' Good Times.
There is a lot of good reading there and it got me to thinking about what I would put on my hospitality rider if anyone ever cared. Which you will, one day. This is what I've come up with so far:
-Lobsters, fresh, cooked in various ways according to my mood. I love lobster but I'm not going to cook it myself, that's a right pain in the ass. If someone else will do it, however, fuck yeah.
-Couple pounds of butter. Sure, some of it is for the lobster but the rest, well I cannot say.
-I'm not asking for midgets because, how cliche. Everyone does that. I don't even like midgets, they're creepy, and I'm not going to ask for them just because they're de rigueur. That goes double for those annoyingly unpleasant dwarves. I want a savant.
-Johnny Depp, generously buttered.
There is a lot of good reading there and it got me to thinking about what I would put on my hospitality rider if anyone ever cared. Which you will, one day. This is what I've come up with so far:
-Lobsters, fresh, cooked in various ways according to my mood. I love lobster but I'm not going to cook it myself, that's a right pain in the ass. If someone else will do it, however, fuck yeah.
-Couple pounds of butter. Sure, some of it is for the lobster but the rest, well I cannot say.
-I'm not asking for midgets because, how cliche. Everyone does that. I don't even like midgets, they're creepy, and I'm not going to ask for them just because they're de rigueur. That goes double for those annoyingly unpleasant dwarves. I want a savant.
-Johnny Depp, generously buttered.
-Emergency contraceptives, nuvarings, pills, someone to manufacture my CondomPants.
-Ten never-before-used Mason-Pearson brushes, paddle variety.
-NO STYROFOAM, especially those packing peanuts. If I see them I shall fly into a rage.
-A Great White Shark (and you better keep him alive because it would really bring me down if he were to expire backstage).
-A snorkel.
-A bowl of fresh raspberries.
-A bowstaff.
-One black corvette.
-A small-scale, accurate replica of the Taj Mahal made from Three Layer Dip.
-2000 bottles of Fiji and Smartwater, each.
-One bottle each of all the alcohol in the entire world, chilled.
I would ask you what you would put on your celebrity rider but sadly I'm not.
-Ten never-before-used Mason-Pearson brushes, paddle variety.
-NO STYROFOAM, especially those packing peanuts. If I see them I shall fly into a rage.
-A Great White Shark (and you better keep him alive because it would really bring me down if he were to expire backstage).
-A snorkel.
-A bowl of fresh raspberries.
-A bowstaff.
-One black corvette.
-A small-scale, accurate replica of the Taj Mahal made from Three Layer Dip.
-2000 bottles of Fiji and Smartwater, each.
-One bottle each of all the alcohol in the entire world, chilled.
I would ask you what you would put on your celebrity rider but sadly I'm not.
